


our pace

by Nanami_Michiko



Series: Beach holiday [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Beach House, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Comfort!Castiel, Deans Past (mentioned), Demon!Dean (mentioned), Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fix It, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Mild Top/Bottom Talk, Past Abuse (mentioned), Post-Canon, beach holiday, they just love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:14:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28916688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nanami_Michiko/pseuds/Nanami_Michiko
Summary: I invite you to follow Dean Winchester on his emotional rollercoaster as they  try make out on their first morning together.[part II of beach holiday but can be read on its own]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Beach holiday [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120805
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	our pace

**Author's Note:**

> It was supposed be a nice little NSWF but Dean's mind decided to go elsewhere so it became this instead. 
> 
> TW // very mild dubcon but it's more about Deans thought process than their actual physical interaction

The first thing Dean realizes when he wakes up, is the sound of seagulls at the beach. He can feel the daylight through his eyelids, but he is not ready to open them yet. He takes a deep breath instead. It smells like wet sand and salty air. It is already warm, but still cozy under the blanket. He feels his stubbles rubbing over the pillow and Cas‘ arm firmly around his waist as if they hadn’t moved an inch since they went to bed. If he is perfectly honest with himself, he had never slept better and deeper his entire life. And that feels really good.

He just realizes how he had unintentionally started to move his hips in small circles, pushing himself closer to Cas. He feels a bit aroused and can feel the typical morning wood in his boxers. But they haven’t even kissed yet. And he is a bit afraid to do so. It would change something between them, that they could not take back.

He enjoys the moment for a few more seconds before rubbing a hand over his face and slowly turning around. He does not dare to open his eyes yet. On the opposite was Cas. Not some random person he had met at bar. No _. Cas_.

He can feel his pulse accelerating. He hadn’t been this kind of nervous in years. It was stupid and he was a coward. But Cas. What if he did something wrong and he would leave him? What if they weren’t on the same kind of level here? What if Cas had understood his actions differently, then how he meant them? He felt stupid and his last night decision to ask him to come with him, now felt really irrational and rash. What was he thinking? What did his Dutch courage make him do? That all felt way too easy. What if it was not real? He does not fully trust it yet.

But he takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.

And there he is. _Cas_. Directly looking at him. A fond expression on his face, crinkly blue eyes, a slight smile on his lips. „Hello, Dean. I hope you had a good rest. It’s beautiful here. I was just listening to the chattering seagulls. They really have a lot to tell.”

Dean relaxes a bit and smiles at him. „Such chatty Cathy’s, huh? “

„Actually, it is quite wordy and tiring. “

„Yeah? ... Well, I’m awake now. You can concentrate on me. “ He was going for something cocky and flirty, like he normally did, but it sounds kinda lame and stupid in his ears.

Cas’ eyes study him for a second. “Dean, are you alright? Do you feel uncomfortable?” Cas’ hand moves a bit but stays on his body. Dean is very aware of its presence. It feels like it radiates some kind of energy through his body that makes him all tingly.

“I’m-no. It’s just- “, he has to swallow. His throat suddenly feels very dry, “You know… In my experience good things never last long. I’m…” He does not know how to explain it.

“Dean, Chuck is gone, God is gone. He can’t interfere anymore, and Jack wouldn’t dare to. Every of our decisions really are our own now.”

A short smile slips onto his lips. “Yeah, you’re right.” He looks at Cas and nods a few times before they fall silent. It’s a bit unsettling and something is still nagging on him. “But… other than that… I don’t know, it’s just weird, man. We’ve been through so much together. And now we're here. Like this. I mean- do you even want this?”

Cas slightly squints his eyes. “Of course, Dean. We’ve been through much together you and I… For me it feels like… Like, it was always meant to be like this. There was just never the time for it… for us to figure things out. There was always something… well, someone holding us back. But now Dean, we are free to be who we want to be. There is no one anymore to determine our path, but us. And we can choose the pace we want to go in. All I ever wanted is to stay by your side. And if it can be like this, like a partnership, then that is more than I could ever hope for. If it were completely up to me, I would never leave your side again.” Cas looks at him. So serious, so honest. Hearing those words makes him somehow very emotional. He can feel his own, strong pulse in his chest. Cas hand is still resting on him.

“Is that a threat?”, he smirks.

They chuckle, looking at each other. It releases a tension that he only notices now that it is gone. “So, our own pace, hm?” He moves a little and props onto one elbow to have a better look at Cas, “But Cas… I know you. My pace is not our pace. You have to tell me what you want. What you need...”

“Dean, I…”, Cas’ left hand slowly moves to his face, shortly stroking over his hair then over his cheek, taking the time to look at him closely. Dean exhales, his breath shivering. He follows every move curiously, his lips slightly parted. He can feel Cas breathing now. A little nervous, too. They watch each other. Cas’ eyes tell him what to do. And so, Dean leans forward and kisses him.

Just like that.

Something tightens in his chest and then bursts open loud and bright. Vibrantly hovering over them, covering them up. Leaving nothing but them.

Castiels lips are warm and a bit rough like his voice. Every second he needs to feel them more, he needs to feel their lips together, he needs to taste him. He can sense the same desire radiating from them. And when he hears a hoarse moan coming from Cas, he can no longer keep it to himself. One hand grabs his neck, the other one wanders down to Cas’ side, firmly strokes down. He moves closer, shifts over him, feels Cas’ body underneath.

But suddenly Cas disengages from their kiss. “Dean.”

Dean flinches. His heart stops for a second. Did he change his mind? “…Yeah?”, he responds hesitantly.

“You know that I don’t have much experience. So, if I do something or say something, that you don’t like or that is wrong. You have to tell me, okay? I want you to tell me.”

“Yeah, okay.” He nods.

“If I don’t understand something, please be patient with me. Sometimes I still have difficulties understanding human behavior.”

“Sure. Don’t worry, Cas. We’ll figure it out.”

“So, I understand right that you want to get intimate with me?”

Dean let out a chuckled breath. “Of course, dumbass.” And he reaches out his hand to stroke Cas' cheek, “I mean… just if you want to.” He smirks.

“Yes Dean, I do”, Cas answers with honest blue eyes.

“Good!” And then they kiss again. And Deans hand wanders back to Cas’ neck and then his mouth wanders there. And the first time he kisses his skin. It’s something different. It makes him hungry and needy for more, “Fuck!”

He is so greedy, he pushes Cas' t-shirt up with quick movements and while he is already about to touch his skin, Cas pulls it completely over his head. And he kisses his chest, caresses his side. And he sprawls out on top of him, Cas is solid and present under him. He himself is still wearing his Hot-dog pajama pants, but Cas is only wearing thin boxers and he can clearly feel his cock brushing his thigh while he moves. A wanting ache shots through his body and he moans.

It is an ache he had not felt in a long time. It triggers something in him and for a brief moment he loses himself in a fleeing thought. For a brief moment he stops what he is doing but then he shakes his head and continues. And when he touches Cas, he forgets about it. He can hear him moan softly. And when he looks up, he catches Cas watching him. Watching what he is doing. And he moves up to kiss him on the lips again.

And Cas hands are stroking his back. He does not go under his shirt. So, he grabs it without further ado and pulls it over his own head. Now he can really feel them: big and broad. And briefly he wishes they would just grab him. But Cas would not just do it without knowing it was okay. And he would not tell him. He could not. He was better to be the one in control anyways.

And they kiss long and deep and it gets hotter as he starts to grind on him, Cas moving against him. Their cocks are pressed together, and the friction makes him dizzy. He just wants to lose those pants. But he guesses Cas would not make a move on them, so he tries to wiggle them off without getting too much detached from him. When his ankles are finally free, he presses down on him even harder. And he hopes it is okay what he is doing and not too fast. But Cas does not complain. He would though, wouldn't he?

“You alright?”, he asks breathless between kisses to make sure.

“Yes”, he answers in an even gravellier voice than usual, somehow choppy. It is a beautiful sound.

And he moves again but he feels something changed.

“Cas?”

“I’m sorry. Actually, I’m a bit confused. I’m not exactly sure how to handle homosexual intercourse.”

“Hom-? “, he slightly shakes his head. He’s still a bit breathless, “Don’t call it that!”

“Why not?”

He lets his arms rest on his chest to get a better look at him. “I don’t know. It’s so clinical. And unsexy.”

“Okay, but how do I know what to do? How do I know who takes which part? I know your past memories and if I understand right you like to be the passive part in the intercourse with men?”

“What?”, he is caught off-guard, “So?” he asks somewhat feisty, his head flinching back a few inches.

Cas tilts his head a bit and frowns. “Dean, I’m not judging you. I’m just trying to understand how I know what to do. So that I can make you feel good and comfortable.”

Dean sighs deeply “You don’t have to plan it. We can just make out a bit and see where it leads us. Just do what you like to do. Sex is supposed to be fun…”, he smiles at him and then lets his gaze hover over to the window, “…But if you would like to know, yes…”, he adds quietly and with his teeth clenched.

“Okay.” Cas says and he feels his hand under his chin pulling his eyes back to him. His smile tender and loving.

“But it doesn’t have to be…There are no rules.”

“Okay.”

“And now we should stop talking”, he moves a finger over Cas’ lips, “And you stop thinking so much...” He emphatically lowers his lips to Cas’ and kisses him with fervor.

This time it is good, and he simply ignores the part of his mind that was just reminded of his past and now tries to slightly drum against his head again.

He starts were he left off.

He kisses him long and vast.

And he is just about to wander to Cas hips with his hands as he suddenly feels Cas' arm around his waist. A tight pull. And then at one push he flips him over on his back. “Wha-?", is all he can say in surprise before Cas swings over him. He can feel the mattress bounce under them. His head swings along. He feels dizzy for a split second. He did not expect Cas to do something like that.

And then everything happens like in slow motion. Cas is on top of him. Dean looks up at him. Cas’ naked chest rises above. His face beautiful, as always. Shines in the light of the morning. And then Cas takes Dean's face between both hands. And he studies him as if awestruck. Full of honest desire, that almost drips from his lips. They just look at each other and Dean can feel himself crumble under the gaze.

Cas starts to move his hands. His fingers roam over his ears, his one thumb over his lips, his other slowly over his jugular vein. Dean closes his eyes under the touch. He can hardly breathe. He is not scared. Just overwhelmed. No one had ever touched him so gently and carefully. And Cas’ hands, they radiate no healing grace but a power he can feel beneath his skin.

And he starts to kiss him. He runs his fingers over a spot, kisses it and brushes his lips over it. Back and forth. Rough and warm. He starts with his cheeks and his lips, behind his ears and his neck and his throat. His hands gentle but firm stroke over the muscles in the back of his neck. And it is just relaxing. Deans lips open just naturally, making him moan very softly.

And he stretches out a hand. Cas puts his hand in his and it stays there. Entangled.

And when Dean dares a look, he can see him, his eyes wide open. Taking every inch of him in. Eyes him like a statue. Kisses his skin like warm rays of sunshine. And it is slow but big and powerful. It is something he never thought he would enjoy. But he does. Nothing he had ever experienced. And he lets his head roll to the side. Watches him as he unravels him. Not even he himself has ever spent so much time discovering his body. Nothing he had ever time or space for. And with every inch of kissed skin, he hands himself over to Cas. And it tickles. And they giggle softly. And their eyes meet for a second. And he gently strokes Cas’ hair. And he feels young and innocent. And he can almost forget the faint drum in his head.

But the more Cas goes down on him, the more he feels an unknown vulnerability. And Instead of the expected arousal he feels some sort of panic pooling in his chest. He watches the light breeze from outside playing with Cas’ dark hair. And the drum gets louder. He wants to stay in their bubble. But he looks around the room and his sight loses some of the cloudiness. It’s a moment that feels like he gets sucked out of a dream. Everything is sharper again and he cannot stop his mind from wandering in other directions. Not when Cas takes all this time. Nothing pounding on him but his thoughts.

He has not slept with a man for a long time. Those men Cas had mentioned. _They…._ Most of the time he did not even like it. But when he was younger the money was worth it and needed though. _But it was always…_ Nothing but survival. And those times he actually liked it, even did it for fun, the feeling afterwards was just not worth it. Except for when he was a demon. Demons did not feel shame or guilt or cared about what other people would think. He had not felt like he was under constant observation. Had not felt the constant fear of being discovered. And he certainly had not felt used and broken. Small and hurt.

But in the end, it was all the same. Always. Rough and dirty and quick. Not a place for love and comfort. Either they told him what to do („ _blow me with those beautiful lips, boy_ ") or he had needed it like this. Being manhandled, getting fucked hard and nasty, letting go of control for a moment. Just stepping out of himself. Never shelter and protection. Just something primeval to cope. To deal with what he had to see every damn day.

Tender intimacy he had mostly experienced with women.

But never like this.

And Cas is here now. Soft and gentle. And that is something that breaks him. Because suddenly he wishes he would just be flipped over and get fucked and get it over with. He hates himself for that. Cas would never do that. He knows that. He sees it. He would always be gentle and take his time. Like he does right now. And somehow, he cannot stand that. And there it is. The sudden, plain realization of how deep his own feelings for Cas are rooted inside burst through him and that Cas is the only one who could ever delve into him like that. How he would just let him. How he lets him right now. It scares him.

For the first time he understands that Cas knows him. Knows him like no one else. He touches him somewhere profound where he was never touched. How easy it would be for him to just take him apart. And how easily he could leave him scattered on the floor. Because there was nothing in this life that could ever compare to this very own bond they shared. To this very own deeply rooted love he feels. It scares him. It scares him so much on this beautiful day. He cannot stop the panic that soars inside him. And he cannot stop the tear that makes its way down his cheek. And for a moment he feels so weak that he thinks about just to endure it until it is over. But he is not a stupid teenager anymore. He is a man in his fucking forties. It does not feel like it. And it is not fair to Cas, because Cas is not like that. Cas would never hurt him.

And then there are Cas’ hands on his cheek. “Dean, are you alright?” And he emerges from somewhere deep and dull.

He closes his eyes, heavily breathing. "I don't know”, he says honestly. More tears cut their way down his cheeks. He can feel Cas' hand stroking his hair gently and soothingly. _I’m scared to love because I’m scared to get hurt_ , he thinks. The thought is so pure, it breaks him. He bursts. He lets go. Sobs uncontrollable and helpless like a baby. And Cas his there and holds him. He presses his face into his chest. He can smell him. Earthy and musk and that is something that grounds him. Steadies his heart. Let’s him breathe freer.

But he stays there. Pressed tight into his chest. Suddenly feeling very tired and drained. His skin a churned bunch of sunny kisses. His head a dizzy mess after a storm. “I’m here”, Cas says very quietly but he can still feel his voice vibrating in his chest.

He does not want to let go. He does not want to have to explain himself. He wants to stay like this forever. And they stay like this for a while. Cas even tries to cover them with the blanket again. And Dean does not know what to feel or to think. And he doesn’t want to feel or think. He wants it to be just easy for once.

Instead, he feels like he just became the star of a fucking chick-flick.

Maybe he his.

And he thinks about Cas. _Cas_. With Cas he wants to be cozy and stay in bed, lazily watch a movie and cuddle. And he knows Cas long enough. He knows he can trust him. Cas put him back together, saw everything of him, every memory. He knows lot about him and still stayed around all these years. With Cas he does not need to be afraid. He knows he can be himself. He can be. But it is hard because he never learnt how to do that. And maybe Cas is even the only one he ever felt he could be totally honest with. He would never look at him differently and he would never behave differently around him. He loves Cas unconditionally. And he knows Cas does love him, too. But he has to learn to accept that he does.

Dean sighs and let’s go eventually. He takes a look at Cas. “I’m sorry.” He shakes his head. His face burning in shame.

“You don’t have to be sorry. But was it something I did?”

“No Cas, it wasn’t”, he says, “Really!”, he adds when Cas looks at him emphatically.

“What was it then?”

“I don’t know. Normally, I’m the _hit-it_ kinda guy. This was something different I guess…”

“So, I shouldn’t do that again?”

“Uhm, I think I actually enjoyed it… Until my mind took the wrong lane.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to _think_ during that.” Cas smiles mockingly.

Dean boxes him lightly. “So, I guess I pretty much ruined the party, huh.”

“Every party is still a party or not? If you enjoyed yourself at some point, there is nothing to regret.”

Dean laughs. “Very wise of you.” But somehow it takes something of his chest. He takes a look to the window. “What do you say we schedule another party for tonight? Let us start with something easier like going to the beach together. You’ve ever took a swim in the ocean?”

“Actually no, but I helped creating one”, Cas flexes, “It was the Atlantic though.”

Dean rolls his eyes but cannot help to grin.

“We can experience it together.” Cas smiles.

Dean smiles back. “So, everything is okay between us?”

“Of course, Dean”

He gives Cas a kiss and suddenly remembers something. “I forgot to tell you, but I bought us matching Hawaiian shirts. Man, I hope Sam is wearing his already.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading it! I hope you liked it :)


End file.
